Prison Must Be A Lot Like Having a Toddler

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overly tired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of parenting are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

10 Ways Parenting a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

• You can’t do anything without constant supervision
• Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
• You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower
• You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
• Meal time is fraught with tension
• Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom
• You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
• You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
• Contraband – like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment – must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
• Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

• Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

The biggest similarity between prison and parenting? There is NO ESCAPE. In fact, you often crawl through miles of shit-smelling foulness without any payoff at all.

And parole ain’t for 18 years.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.

Photo: Brujita via photopin (license)